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C100 – Court Form Walkthrough

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Completing the C100 can be a daunting task if this is your first experience of the court system.  This video is hopefully a helpful walkthrough that will assist you in filling in the application for yourself.

We try to give you all the tools that you need to complete all your forms for yourself but if you are struggling with wording your responses or if you’d just like someone to proofread, we can help you out with that.  If you are really not comfortable with doing it on your own, then make sure to contact us as we can also help you get your case to court by talking with you to get a bigger picture of your situation and by filling in and filing your form for you with the court.

Making The Most Of Your Contact Time

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When you have separated from your child’s other parent, it is not possible to be able to spend 100% of your time with the child.  Even if you have shared or majority residency of your child, you will still have less time with your children than when you were still living with your ex in the family unit.

Suddenly finding that you have less time to spend with your children means that you have to try to find ways to make the most of the contact time that you do have with your children.  Whether you see your child for half the holidays and every other weekend or if you have more or less time than this, you need to make sure that you do things to maintain the bond between your children.  With more contact time, you will find that you don’t have too much of a problem in doing this, but if you are restricted to just a few hours a month, you need to make every minute count.

Quality time

There is no specific way in which to spend quality time with your children.  You should make sure that you choose to do things that you both enjoy doing so that you will both enjoy your time together.  Whatever your job is, you should ensure that you prioritise spending this quality time with your children.  You may need to talk to your boss about your contact arrangements so that you can ensure that you will be free during the scheduled contact times.  If you are not available for contact and you have to leave the child with one of your relatives for example, you will be losing out on time with your child that you will never be able to get back.

Short Contact Time

If you only have limited contact, for example a couple of hours a week, you will find it more difficult to fit many things into the time.  Try a meal or shopping.  You don’t need to buy lots of gifts for your child and it isn’t recommended that you do either.  Of course, you can buy them gifts from time to time and things that the need such as clothes and food, butthe main thing that you should do is show your child consistency by spending time with them and giving them plenty of attention during this time.

When you do spend time with your children, make sure that you ask them plenty of questions about what they have been doing.  Showing an interest in their life is important.  You could ask them how they are enjoying school and what their favourite subjects are, if they have been to any nice places recently and what they like to watch on TV.  Sometimes, children will open up more to one parent than another, so if your child does communicate anything that is sentitive such as that they are being bullied at school for example, you should try to address this with the other parent.

Vary Your Chosen Activities

It can be easy to fall into the routine of going out with your children.  Be careful that you are not falling into a pattern of going to the cinema followed by meals out all the time.  If you only see your child for a couple of hours a week, this may be all that you have the time to do, but cinema followed by a burger doesn’t add much variety to your contact times.  Eventually your child will get bored with this routine.  Instead, you should try to find out what your child likes to do.  It’s a good idea to ask what your child wants to do next time.  You don’t have to do what the child suggests but at least if you ask, you give the child an opportunity to let you know the kinds of activity that they would like to do.

It’s a great idea to support your child’s interests, so if there is something that your child enjoys doing, you should encourage them to do that activity often.  Sometimes, it may be the case that your child can’t spend time doing that activity as often as they’d like when they’re not with you, and it can even show your child that you remember the things they’ve said that they’re interested in, which shows that you care.

Holidays

You would need to clear it with your ex before you book a holiday, but if your ex agrees to you taking the child on holiday, you should choose a nice location to visit for as long as you are able to.  This gives you some time away from your home and the pressures that you may feel there.  It does everyone some good to go on holiday and it’s a great opportunity for bonding with your child.

Time at Home

Whilst it may be fun doing all these things out and about and travelling whenever you can with your child, you also need to have some relaxing quiet time at home.  This can give you a little financial break, as it can get expensive entertaining your child away from home.

You could order a takeaway so that you don’t need to cook, or you could make a delicious home cooked meal.  There are plenty of things you could do at home including playing board games, watching a movie, playing with lego, baking with your child or playing with modelling clay.  Doing things like this with your child will enable you to improve your relationship as well as saving you money.  Your child will enjoy simply spending that quality time with you instead of expecting you to spend lots of money on them.

The Court Process For Contact Orders

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When you split with your ex, it can be difficult to reach an agreement about contact with your children.  If the split is acrimonious, you may find that you are being denied contact altogether or that the mother of the child doesn’t offer frequent or reliable contact.  As a loving father, it will be important to you to ensure that your children are able to see you as often as possible, so when communication has broken down between you and the other parent, you may be left with no choice other than to apply to the court for a contact order.

The order that you end up with will be one that suits your particular family situation and the needs of your children so no two cases are the same.  That being said, there is a standard process that all court cases will go through.  The court will make one or more of a number of orders under the Children Acr 1989 to allow your children to enjoy a good relationship with both parents.

The main concern of the court is the wellbeing of the children involved in the process.  Whilst you may feel that at times you are being treated unfairly by the court, you must remember that they have to take their time and ensure that the child will be safe and happy with the arrangement that is made.

If you are applying for a contact order, this will specify how much time the child should spend with the non resident parent.

Mediation

In most cases, the court will expect you to attend a MIAM.  This is an initial mediation meeting where you will be told about mediation as an alternative to using the court.  It is not compulsory that your ex attends one if you are the one applying, but you must at least attend this.  There is a page in the application form that must be signed by the mediator to say that you have attended.  Unless there are certain circumstances, the MIAM is compulsory and you may not be able to move forward with your application unless you have attended one.

The Application

Applying to the court will vary depending on where you live.  You may have to apply to the High Court, County Court or Family Proceedings Court.  Sometimes, you may be able to post the completed forms.  Other courts allow email communication but a lot of people like to make the application in person so that they know that it has arrived at the right place.

When you submit a court form, you usually need to send 4 copies:

  • One is sent back to you, the applicant
  • One is for the respondent (usually your ex/the other parent)
  • One for CAFCASS
  • One for the court

The court will decide on a suitable date for the first hearing and will send your form back, along with other court paperwork.  It is important to make any arrangements that you need to so that you do not miss any hearings.  If you don’t attend the court for any reason – even if it an emergency, it is normal for the court to make an order in your absence and this may mean that you don’t have a say in what happens during that hearing.

CAFCASS Involvement

Once the date of the first hearing has been set and you have received your paperwork, you may hear from a CAFCASS worker.  You can learn more about CAFCASS on our site or by visiting their website.

CAFCASS are very important people when it comes to the court process as they advise the court about what action the court takes.  Sometimes, the court may make an order that doesn’t reflect the recommendations of CAFCASS, but a lot of the time, they rely heavily on CAFCASS involvement.

Usually, CAFCASS are asked to provide a safeguarding letter to the court ahead of your hearing.  This will often include the CAFCASS worker making a telephone call with you and your ex and talking to you about things like whether social services have had any involvement with the children and if there are any past police incidents that they should be made aware of.  This information will then be completed and sent back to the court in advance of the first hearing.

The First Hearing or FHDRA

The First Hearing is often referred to as a FHDRA.  This stands for First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment.  This hearing is usually very short and allows the court to summarise exactly what it is that you have applied for in your application.  Sometimes, the court decides that an order will not be necessary and in that case, they will explain that it is not relevant and that they will ignore the request. This may be for example, a prohibited steps order to prevent the other parent from moving out of the area and the other parent explains that they have changed their mind and won’t be moving.

The FHDRA questions whether an agreement can be made there and then and sometimes an interim order may be granted.

If no resolution is made, the judge will usually ask the CAFCASS worker to create a report.  This report making can take a long time so it is wise to ask the court to make an interim order for contact.  You may not end up with the contact that you want at this point, but make sure that you don’t argue with the judge’s decision.  You need to be seen as willing to see your children at any cost and turning up to every available contact session on time and being amicable with your ex will show the court that you will be a reliable parent in your child’s life.  When a more permanenet order is made once the report has been made, you will be in a better position to get what you were originally asking for.

What Is In A CAFCASS Report?

You and your ex will need to be interviewed by the CAFCASS worker.  They will also sometimes want to observe the relationship between the parents and the child.  They speak to both the parents and they will also contact the school.  Occasionally, they will speak to other family members too.   If your child is a little older, the CAFCASS worker will also interview the child so that the child’s wishes can also be taken into account.

The report will be sent to you and your ex.  You will be sent exactly the same report as the one that is passed to the court so that you will have the chance to make some notes before you go to court if you need to.  The CAFCASS worker will usually make a recommendation for contact arrangements in the report.

There is usually another hearing to discuss the outcome of the report.  This is not usually very long and sometimes the court will not make an order at this hearing.  You may be asked to write a position statement to explain why you agree or disagree with the report.

Final Hearing

If an agreement hasn’t already been made between the parents or if they do not agree with the recommendations by the CAFCASS worker, then there will be a final hearing.  The court will give the parents the chance to explain their feelings about the outcome and to put forward any evidence that they may have.  Occasionally, witnesses may be called.  At the end of this hearing, an order for contact is made.

This process can be a lengthy one.  You must understand this and the reason why court should only be used as a last resort.  Although at times, you may feel as though the other parent is being favoured above you, in actual fact, it is the child’s needs that must be met and not the parents.

If you disagree with the order made by the court, you can make an appeal within a certain timeframe.  If you do not make the appeal or if it is unsuccessful, you will have to try the order for a little while and then you can make another application.  Making another application to the court will mean that you will have to go through all of this again, but if it results in frequent and substantial contact with your children, then the end outcome will be worth it.

Tips For Amicable Communication

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If you want to keep your life out of court, to have happy children who feel secure and a stress free life, then you must learn the art of amicable communication with your ex.  It’s not easy, but when you’re doing this for your children’s sake, it is the most sensible options.  Whilst we don’t have a handbook for how to communicate with your ex, we can give you some tips for communicating effectively.

Be Calm

Amicable communication works better if you are not shouting and getting emotional every time you try to have a simple conversation with your ex.  Stay calm and take time to think about what you are going to say.  If you feel that you are getting stressed and feel a temptation to communicate ineffectively, pause for a moment and breathe for a few seconds.  Leaving the room may be a good way to calm down if you feel that things are getting a little too much.

Listen To Your Exes’ Opinions

Whilst they are not your opinions, it is important to listen to what your ex has to say.  Listening whilst your ex speaks will give them a chance to get their point across and they may be able to provide you with a new perspective once they have the ability to explain their reasoning behind their ideas.  Listening and not talking over your ex will also set a good example for when it is your turn to speak.

 

 

Don’t Bring Up The Past

If you didn’t have a difficult past history with your ex, you would still be together.  You both know that things went wrong and in the breakdown of a relationship, no one is entirely to blame.  Whatever the reason for the breakup, it is now in the past and it should stay there.  You should be careful that you don’t bring up past arguments or incidents.  They are not relevant. You need to discuss the current matter and not something that has already happened.  This will only cause a breakdown of communication and lead to an argument and negative emotions.

Dont Accuse

Accusing the other parent of doing something you don’t like when you are trying to communicate is a sure-fire way to cause conflicts.  The natural response to any accusation is to become defenisive and that is when accusations can also come back at you in retaliation.  This is not healthy for anyone.  Remember you are not in competition with your ex, this is about effective co-parenting.

This Isn’t About Other People

When communicating about your child, don’t bring up other people.  It is not necessary to talk about your ex in laws or your exes new partner or your exes friend who you don’t really like.  None of those people have anything to do with making decisions about your child.  Communicating about your child is just about you, your ex and your child.

Be Aware Of Your Language

It is not appropriate to swear at, name call or berate your ex.  Whilst it may help you to get your emotions out in the open, it is not going to help your relationship with the other parent and if your child hears you speaking like that to their parent, this will not set a good example at all.

 

 

 

Be Direct

Instead of talking around issues or trying to fit a request into a big conversation, make sure that you communicate knowing exactly what you want to say first.  You should have a goal for an end result following your communication with your ex and this will help you to stay on topic so that you don’t end up getting distracted.  Distractions in communication can lead to arguments and falling out.

Have an Effective Argument Prepared

Do you want to change your child’s surname?  Change the child’s school?  Move to another part of the country?  These are big decisions that may cause conflict when you bring them up.  That doesn’t mean that you should avoid discussing them though.  Try to think about your reasons for wanting to make these changes and explain clearly to your ex why you think that they should agree to the request.

 

Agree to Compromise

Sometimes, you just can’t reach a unanimous decision even when you are engaging in amicable communcation.  If you find that you still don’t agree entirely with your ex, sometimes, you just need to make a compromise.  If you don’t agree to your exes proposal of moving away with the children, you could try to come up with a way in which you could make the move work.  Perhaps you could have weekend contact with the childrwn and request half of holidays too.  This would ensure that you can have quality time with the children and it would make long journeys more worthwhile.  If your ex won’t agree to you moving away, you could offer to meet in the middle when arranging contact or you could take the children to your ex so that you don’t look as though you are trying to put an obstacle in the way of contact.

Prioritise Your Child

Throughout all communication with your ex, keep reminding yourself that this is about the child and what is in their best interest.  Just because you don’t like something, would your child be better off if it happened.  For example, a move to another town may mean that the other parent can get a better job so that they can provide better for the child or a move to a different school may mean that the child can study subjects that they are interested in.

Whilst these tips for amicable communication may not mean that you will have perfect and friendly communication every time you try to talk to your ex, it should help you to improve the communication that you already have.  Improving your communication will help your children to have the best possible upbringing.

 

How To Be Civil With Your Ex

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Ending a relationship, especially when it has been a long one can be a difficult process for most people.  Even if you are the one to end the relationship there are often very mixed emotions and this can lead to you feeling hurt or resentment towards your ex.  It can be tempting to try to hurt them back, to cut the children out of their life or to have constant arguments, but this is not going to do anyone any favours.  Whilst you don’t have to be best friends with your ex, and you don’t even have to get along in any other capacity, it is important that you try to be civil when it comes to your children.  Communicating about your children is not just about you and your ex, but it is about your children, their happiness, wellbeing and future.

Why Should You Try To Be Civil?

Your children will be going through a tough time right now.  Whether you are just separating, or if you are going through the court process to resolve a longer term issue, your children will be able to tell that things are not as they usually are.  This can make them feel insecure and they will not know how they should behave around each parent in order to keep the other parent happy.  If you are as civil as possible when communicating with the other parent, you will find that your children will feel more secure seeing that you and your ex can coparent with a united front.

Emotions

It is easy to let our emotions get the better of us when we are in this kind of situation.  Separation can cause a cycle of emotional stages including anger, hurt, denial and grief but you will need to ensure that you address and deal with these emotions so that you can move past them and get over the separation.  Once you have dealt with the emotions, you will find it easier to communicate with you ex about your children without arguing and bringing up past events.

If your children witness emotional outbursts egainst the other parent, they may think that this is a good way to communicate and it could affect their behaviour.  At the very least, it won’t make them feel secure in the family unit.

Be The Example

Often, one parent is the aggressor in communication difficulties and if you are calm and trying to communicate rationally whilst your ex seems to be acting revengefully or with anger, you should resist the temptation to fight back.  An amicable relationship is much more likely to form at some point down the line if you set a good example for communication.  Acting maturely and thinking about your actions will ensure that you set a good example for communicating for both your children and your ex.

Mediation

One way in which you can start to communicate positively with your ex is by using mediation.  It is not for everyone but if you are trying to communicate but struggling to reach a resolution, a mediator will be able to help you to develop the tools you need for effective communication.  After a few mediation sessions, you and your ex will have come to some agreements and you will have both learned that sometimes you have to make compromises even when you don’t fully agree.

Rules For Communication

After you have attended mediation, you could come up with some rules for effective communication.  If it leads to fewer arguments, agree to only communicate about important things via text message or email. This will give you time to collect your thoughts before you respond and the paper trail will ensure that there are no misunderstandings about what was discussed or when.  You should also agree to only communicate when it comes to your chidren’s needs.  Your new partner or your exes new partner for example shouldn’t be something that you communicate about because issues like this can only lead to further conflict.  If you have any concerns about things that are not directly related to your children, you need to consider how important they are to talk about with your ex.

Make sure that you stick to any agreements that you make with your ex about communication so that you can continue to be civil to one another and develop a good parenting bond for your children’s sake.

Preparing Your Home For Contact

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Whether you’ve only just split up with the other parent or if you have been separated for a while, if contact is being set up between you and your child, it is vital that you get your home prepared to welcome another household member.

Why Prepare Ahead?

If you leave it until the last minute, you’ll find yourself rushing around, trying to create stability where there is currently none and you will not be able to make the most of the time that you have with your child as you will be worrying about the things that aren’t yet ready.  You need to try to be as prepared as possible before your child visits your home so that they can see that your home is also theirs.

If you have recently split from your ex, you may have forgotten the time it took to acquire the items that you had in the family home before or the time it took to build the stable environment that you had in the past.  Starting all over again may be daunting, so we have put together a list of some of the things that you are likely to need.

A Bedroom

The best way to make a child feel as though they belong is to give them their own space when they do visit.  Even if your child is not yet staying over, having a room picked out especially for them will make them feel safe when they do visit and if overnight contact does happen in the future, your child will know that they have somewhere safe to sleep and where they can store their posessions.

If you need to, the room could be used for other purposes when your child is not staying over or visiting, but remember to make sure that the room is tidy and looks like the child’s room when they do visit.

First Aid

Having all the supplies that you need to perform basic first aid is a must.  Things like plasters, antibacterial wipes and paracetamol should all be kept in your home.  It would be a good idea to have other basic medication too including things like antacids and mild laxatives.  Ensure that these are stored in a safe place out of reach of the child.  A locked cupboard or one that is very high up would be ideal.

Things to Do

Toys, games and books are vital for a child.  Not only do they keep the child occupied, but they are great for your child’s development.  You should try to get age appropriate items that you can store away for when your child comes to visit.  You don’t have to spend lots of money, and getting second hand items is fine.  If you do buy used items, make sure that they are cleaned before your child plays with them.

You could even take your child shopping so that they can pick out one or two things for themselves.  This is a good idea if you have not had contact for some time and you are not sure what your child enjoys doing.

Clothes

Whether you have overnight contact or daytime contact only, it’s a good idea to have a supply of spare clothes at your home.  Children get messy, they may get their clothes wet if it is raining and they want to play outside or they could spill food down the clothes that the other parent dresses them in when they bring them to you.

In addition, having clothes for your child at your home will help them to gain a sense of belonging in your house.

Food

Of course, you probably already have food in your home, but not all children will eat the same as adults.  If your child is an infant, you’ll need age appropriate food and you should check with the other parent to see if there are any allergies that you should be aware of.  In addition, some children can be fussy eaters.  If you try to make your child eat things that they don’t like, this may build a negative relationship.  There is no reason why you can’t feed your child healthy food that they enjoy.   Try not to allow to many sweets and junk food, or they may think that this is the norm.  If you are allowing lots of sweets and junk food, ask yourself if it is possibly an attempt to compete with the other parent.

Toiletries

Another way of ensuring that your child belongs is to have the child’s own toiletries at your home.  A toothbrush, mild children’s toothpaste, bubble bath, and their own towel are all things that you will probably need.  If your child is young, they may still be wearing nappies.  Ensure that you know what size and get a good supply.  Again, you don’t have to spend lots of money on these things.  The store own brands are often as good as the branded items and cost a fraction of the price of the branded products.

Hacing their own toiletries at your home will ensure that the child does not feel as though they have to borrow someone elses things when they are at your home and will make them feel as though they belong.

Decor

When your child is going to be visiting your home, you should ensure that they know that you think of them often and that they are part of your family even though you and the other parent are no longer together.  As well as photos of the people who live in your home, ensure that you have plenty of photos of you and the child around too.  Not only will this help them to feel included in your life but it can also be a great way to help them to remember past memories with you.  You can point at the photograph and say “remember when you were little and we….”.  This will help your child to retain those early memories of you and remember that you have always been there for them.  If you feel comfortable to do so, you could always have a nice photo of you and the child’s mother spending time with the child.  This would show the child that you are respectful of their mother and that she is still a part of the child’s family instead of all the photos being of just you and the child.

Communication With The Other Parent

When your child comes to spend time with you, it is important to understand that missing the other parent does not mean that they love you less than them.  It is not a competition.  If the child tells you that they feel homesick or that they want to speak to the other parent, you should allow them to make a phone call or facetime if it is appropriately.  If not, they could write a letter or make a card to take home for the other parent to tell them that they missed them or they could write an email or text.  Facilitating this communication will help your child to feel safer when they are with you and that their other parent is still only a phone call away.  Try not to be offended by your child missing the other parent.  They have a lot to get used to and it is only normal that they should miss a parent when they are away from them.  They will miss you too when they go back to the other parent.

Safety

When you bring your child home, you need to know that they will be safe there.  Adults know to look out for any dangers and to avoid them, but children are just learning.  Will you need a high chair or a stair gate if your child is still very young?  Perhaps locks for your cupboard doors would be a good idea and to put dangerous things out of reach for example bleach and other cleaning products, knives and medicines.  If you will be taking your child in your vehicle, you should also ensure that you have a suitable car seat.  It’s always recommended that you buy a new one so that you know that it hasn’t been in an accident, but there is no need to spend a fortune.  If you purchased the cheapest one, it would still be safe for your child as they are not sold unless they pass safety regulations.  Sure, the more expensive ones may look nicer or may have more padding for comfort, but ultimately, this will not really matter.

Routines are Vital

Having all of the things that you need in your home is all well and good, but if you don’t have a good routine for your child, it will make your life as a parent very difficult indeed.  Sometimes, it can be tempting to allow a child to stay up past their bedtime and to have snacks right before their dinner, but if you allow this to be a regular occurrence, the child is likely to expect that daily.

If you are able to communicate with the other parent about the child’s routine, you should do so.  This way you can coparent effectively, with both of you maintaining a similar routine for the child, which will ensure good behaviour and a sense of security for the child.

Making Decisions Together

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Even if you have split up with the child’s other parent, you will always be your child’s parent, just as much as the other parent is.  This means that you both have a responsibility towards your child.  This involves bringing up the child to be a happy and well rounded member of society and making big decisions that will have a large impact on their life and development.

Despite the fact that by law, you both have equal parental rights in this regard, it can be hard to make these major decisions because you may both have dfferent viewpoints.  You should ensure that you try to be as amicable as possible, make compromises where necessary and to accept and respect that the other parent has their own ideas and feelings.  Remember that you are the adults so you need to act as maturely as you can.  You should also remember that no matter what the other parent tries to tell you, you have an equal right to make these major decisions as they do.

Why Make Decisions Together?

Whenever you acquire Parental Responsibility, from then on, you will have the responsibility to make decisions for your child’s wellbeing and other important decisions affecting their life including things like their education.  The other parent does too.  In order to make these decisions in the best interests of your child, you should both work together so that you can agree on the best course of action for your child.  Not only will this prevent any competition between you and keep things out of court, but your child will see you acting together as parents and this will help your child to feel safe and less like being caught in the middle of adult relationship issues.

Teamwork

Working as a team doesn’t mean agreeing on everything, but instead you need to develop the tools that are necessary for effective communication.  Stay calm, listen and think about the other person’s point of view instead of focussing on your own.  Remember that it is your child who matters most and not getting your own way or ‘winning’.  Shouting, arguing and making threat are all examples of negative actions that will be sure to cause conflict between you and your ex, as well as failing to reach a joint decision.

The Law and Your Rights

The father and the mother of the child both have an equal right to make these major decisions in their child’s life.  This does not include day to day decisions for a child however.  Whether you are the resident parent or if you have contact, the other parent is not entitled to tell you what to do whilst the child is in your care.  In addition, you musn’t try to dictate to your ex what they should or should not be doing whilst they spend time with the child on a day to day basis.

Remember that for all major decisions including medical, education or financial, you have the right to be kept informed and to be consulted about these major decisions.  If you feel that you arebeing left out of this decision making process, then you will need to apply to court to have the issue resolved.

Mediation

Often, parents find that they struggle to communicate effectively with one another.  If you find yourself in this situation, then you should consider mediation.  The mediator will facilitate communication between you as well as giving you the tools to communicate more effectively in the future.  Sometimes however, mediation is not enough and you may need to take the matter to court.

Ultimately, you must remember that nobody will be able to agree with another person about everything.  Instead, you have to accept that some compromises will need to be made.  Think about buildig a safe and happy future for your child involving the other parent instead of making the decision making process a competitive one.

Rights of the Father of an Unborn Child

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We’re sometimes asked what rights a man has if the child has not yet been born.  The simple answer to this is that there are no rights for the father of an unborn child.  Until the baby’s birth is registered, the father cannot apply to court for an order and he does not have any right to have a say in the way in which the expectant mother acts prior to the child’s birth.

What Can You Do If You Find Out That You Are To Be A Father?

Finding out that you’re going to be a father can be more than a little daunting.  Whether the pregnancy was planned or not, often, it can still come as quite a shock.  If you were in a short term relationship with the mother and you want to have involvement in the child’s life, it is important that you let the mother know this as early as you can.

If you are in a rocky relationship which breaks down during the pregnancy, you should do your best to try to support the mother.  Understand that she is probably feeling very scared herself and hormones can really take their toll on a pregnant woman’t body and mind.

How To Act

When you are in a difficult situation such as this, you must do your best to stay calm and level headed.  You will not gain favour with the mother if you try to make her life hell whilst she is pregnant.  Whilst it may be frustrating to feel that you have no control over the situation, a foetus snuggled up warm inside its mother’s womb is only the responsibility of the mother for now.  The more reasonable you can be now, the better things will be for you later down the line.  If you do need to go to court in future, it is better that your ex does not have any ammunition to prove to the court that you shouldn’t be involved in your child’s life.

You may be invited to play a big part in the pregnancy, even if you are not in a relationship with the mother.  You may be left out of all pregnancy events and your ex could try to use the pregnancy as a way to hurt you, especially if she feels that you are to blame for the relationship having ended.  No matter what happens, you need to accept that this is how things are for now.  If you give your ex the evidence at this stage, she may use it against you in court.  You could end up with a restraining order or similar, which would not leave you in a good light.

If you are allowed to attend any scans etc, make sure that you attend them on time and keep up with all the involvement that your ex will allow to build the trust between you.  The more amicable you can be the better as this woman will be in your life for a very long time after your baby is born.



Parental Responsibility

Parental Responsibility has already been covered elsewhere on this site, so make sure that you check out that article.  You can find out who has parental responsibility as well as what parental responsibility actually is.  Use the following links for further information:

Parental responsibility is the key to understanding why in the eyes of the law you can’t have parental responsibility for a child who hasn’t been born.  Once the child has been born however, you will be able to apply to the court to sort out any issues that you may be facing concerning your child.

After The Birth

Once the baby has been born, the mother has 6 weeks in which to register the birth.  She can do this alone, or with the father present.  Even if the father is unable to attend, she is still able to put the father’s name on the birth certificate if he agrees.  The mother does not have a legal obligation to register the father on the birth certificate, but if the father applies to court to be named as the child’s father, then it is unlikely that the court will refuse this request.

If you find that your ex registers the birth without you present and you are not named on the birth certificate, you should ask her if she will consider amending the birth record with you so that your child can have both parents on the certificate.  If she refuses, then you will need to apply to court to have this issue resolved.

Paternity matters can be straightforward or they can be complicated.  Sometimes, you may need to have a DNA test whilst other times, the court may be able to rule that you are the father, if for example the mother says that she knows that you are.

You could also ask the mother to sign a parental responsibility agreement.  This will not name you on the birth certificate, but it will give you the rights of a father.

Contact

Even if you are named on the birth certificate or have parental responsibility by any other means once the baby has been born, this will not mean that you are automatically entitled to contact.  It can be difficult to get long amounts of contact time with a baby in the first months of his or her life, as babies are heavily reliant on their mothers, especially if they are breastfeeding.  You should bear this in mind when you ask your ex or the court to arrange contact.

it is natural for the mother to feel a need to be close to her baby at all times in the first few months too.  If you are going to have a good relationship with your child’s mother, you should think about her feelings.  This need to build a close maternal bond is nature and is not your ex trying to hurt you.  Suggest that you could spend time with your baby whilst the mother is present.  An hour at a time should be long enough, bearing in mind that babies sleep a lot and need to feed every 2-4 hours in the first few months.

Going to Court

If you find that every time you attempt to communicate with your ex, you are either met by silence or arguments, then you may have no choice but to go to court.  You will need to attend a MIAM and then you will be able to submit a court application.

You may need to ask the court to name you on the birth certificate, to give you a parental responsibility order, to adjudicate on contact arrangements or to ask for a prohibited steps order to prevent the other parent from doing something, for example moving abroad or deciding on a religion for your child.

The court process can be a long one.  Some people find that their case can last for up to a year, and in more complex situations, it can be even longer.  The sooner that you apply to court the better so that you can start to build a relationship with your child as soon as possible.

Whilst it isn’t a nice thought that you may spend your child’s first few months or year not being able to enjoy all those firsts, once you have been through the court process, you will end up with a court order to enable you to begin to build that relationship.  A toddler will be very loving and open to building a relationship with thier father and you will realise that the wait was worth it.

 

Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Compete With Your Ex

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Making the transition from seeing your child daily when you were in a relationship with the other parent to only seeing your child a few days a week or month is difficult.  You may feel that your child might not remember you if they spend a lot of time apart from you or you may be worried about what the other parent may say about you to the child.  This concern can lead to the urge to compete against an ex partner in order to win favour with the child.  It is important that you are aware of this need to compete and that you control the urge to do so.  Not only is it bad for your relationship with your ex, but it doesn’t help the child either.

Why Do Parents Become Competitive?

When parents become competitve against one another, it is usually because of one of two reasons.  It can be a way to get back at an ex and so it is sometimes used as revenge for the blame that one parent places on the other for the breakup of the family unit.  The other reason is to try to make the child love one parent more than the other so that they feel that they have a stronger bond with the child than the one that exists between the child and the other parent.

You must remember that this behaviour is not healthy.  Trying to get a reaction out of your ex is sure to make your ex want to compete in retaliation.  You will end up in a constant battle for your child’s affection.  It is important to understnad that your child doesn’t have to love one parent more than the other.  It is possible for your child to love the both of you without you trying to buy their love.

How Might Parents Compete With One Another?

The main way in which a parent may try to compete with the other is by constantly buying gifts and exciting days out.  This constant giving if gifts is a common way to try to make themselves look more fun than the other parent, especially if the competing parent doesn’t spend much time with the child.  Another way that a parent might try to compete is by having a more relaxed parenting style than the other parent.  Allowing the child to eat unhealthy food instead of encouraging them to eat vegetables or letting the child stay up past their normal bed time are some examples of relaxed parenting.



The Effect That This Has On Your Child

In trying to make your ex look bad, this behaviour can inadvertantly end up having a negative effect on your child.  With your child trying to cope with their new life being split between two homes, this is already bound to be a difficult time for them.  Changing your behaviour towards them and relaxing your parenting style will cause further confusion for your child.

The way in which this confusion may manifest is that your child may end up misbehaving for the other parent in order to spend more time with you.  This won’t mean that you’re more loved, it will just mean that the child knows that they can get their own way with you.  Eventually, you will find it difficult to be a parent to your child as they will simply expect you to buy them lots of presents or to let them do as they please without consequence

How Should You Behave Instead?

The best way that you can be a good parent is by working with the other parent instead of in competition.  Try to build a positive relationship.  You don’t need to be friends, but when it comes to your child, you should show a united front.  This means discussing with your ex about what time your child goes to bed, what time mealtimes are.  Try to come up with a way of synchronising your parenting styles so that you can provide a routine and stability for your child.

Being a good parent won’t make your child love you any less and you will still be able to have fun days out and buy gifts if you wish, but make sure that you do this as a treat instead of doing “fun” things every time you meet up with your child.

What To Do If Your Child Becomes Injured

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It is a parent’s instinct to comfort their child when they are hurt or injured.  If you are separated and don’t spend all your time with the child, then it can be even harder when the child is injured whilst in the other parent’s care.  You may have distressed emotions when these incidents occur as it is something that is completely out of your control, but in spite of this, you can feel guilty that you weren’t there when the injury took place.  Most of the time, accidents are minor and result in nothing more than a graze, cut or a bruise that will heal in just a couple of weeks.

Sometimes however, the injury is more than a simple scrape.  When this happens, medical intervention is required.  Occasionally, parents may believe that the child was hurt deliberately and this can be an even more distressing situation.  You should make sure that you think carefully before you act in a situation like that so that you can be sure that you have all the facts first.

What Should You Do If The Child Is Hurt In Your Care?

It is inevitable that children will incur the odd scrape and scratch.  If something like this happens, make sure that you apply appropriate first aid such as cleaning the wound and applying a plaster for example.  When you come to the point where the child goes to the other parent to spend time, you should ensure that you explain the event and what you have done in response.  This will ensure that the other parent knows exactly what happened so that they don’t jump to any conclusions and to keep up with good communication.

On the rare occasion that a more serious injury occurs, you should make sure that you seek appropriate medical attention immediately.  Just as you would if you were still in a relationship with the other parent, you should seek professional medical attention as soon as you know that the injury requires more than simple first aid.  Do not worry that you may be wasting time.  Medical staff know that parents would rather be safe than sorry when it comes to their children’s wellbeing.  As soon as you have decided what is going to happen, call your ex to let them know what has happened and where you will be taking the child.  It may be enough for you to explain the situation, but in other situations, you ex may choose to come to the hospital or doctor’s surgery to support your child.  Do not put up a barrier to this support.  If it was the other way around, you’d want the opportunity to be able to comfort your child if they had to go to hospital.



If The Child Was Injured Whilst Not In Your Care

If your child becomes injured when they are not in your care, you should ask appropriate questions of the other parent.  Make sure that you know what treatment they need and what medication they should be taking.  This is especially important if you have contact with your child whilst they are taking a course of antibiotics for example.

in the event that your child becomes injured and requires medical attention, make sure that you don’t automatically start thinking that your child must have been injured maliciously.  Think about how difficult it can be to avoid accidents in your care.  No one is perfect and accidents do happen.  In addition to this, if the other parent acts on an emergency situation but does not tell you about it until after the child is back home, try not to allow yourself to exhibit hurt feelings over not being able to console your child at that time.  It can be difficult to remember other people when your child has been injured and it may just be an honest mistake made by the other parent in their panic to ensure that the child was ok.

Following any medical attention, you should communicate with your ex about the best way to care for your child to ensure that the child can make a full and speedy recovery.

Suspected Malicious Intent

If you believe that your child has been injured intentionally, it is normal and correct to show concern about this.  The first thing to do is to contact the authorities and make a report.  You will need to have your child examined by a professional.  Professionals such as the police, your GP or the hospital staff are trained to deal with issues surrounding child welfare and they know the signs of accidental injuries vs intentional injuries.  Once your child has been checked out, the professional will let you know how to proceed.



Accidents Happen

It is important to remember that injuries are not always malicious.  Children are daring, fearless and adventurous.  They will often get into situations that could cause injury, whether that is climing on play apparatus, running or playing sports.  Accusing someone of deliberately harming a child is a serious allegation and one that could lead to the other person receiving a sentence.  In addition, if you are found to be lying, you could be found guilty of a crime too as it is illegal to make false allegations.  Even if you are not punished for making a false allegation, it will not stand you in good favour with a court.  If you are certain that the injury was caused maliciously however, you should ensure that you have the situation investigated so that you can appropriately safeguard your child.