If you want to keep your life out of court, to have happy children who feel secure and a stress free life, then you must learn the art of amicable communication with your ex. It’s not easy, but when you’re doing this for your children’s sake, it is the most sensible options. Whilst we don’t have a handbook for how to communicate with your ex, we can give you some tips for communicating effectively.
Be Calm
Amicable communication works better if you are not shouting and getting emotional every time you try to have a simple conversation with your ex. Stay calm and take time to think about what you are going to say. If you feel that you are getting stressed and feel a temptation to communicate ineffectively, pause for a moment and breathe for a few seconds. Leaving the room may be a good way to calm down if you feel that things are getting a little too much.
Listen To Your Exes’ Opinions
Whilst they are not your opinions, it is important to listen to what your ex has to say. Listening whilst your ex speaks will give them a chance to get their point across and they may be able to provide you with a new perspective once they have the ability to explain their reasoning behind their ideas. Listening and not talking over your ex will also set a good example for when it is your turn to speak.
Don’t Bring Up The Past
If you didn’t have a difficult past history with your ex, you would still be together. You both know that things went wrong and in the breakdown of a relationship, no one is entirely to blame. Whatever the reason for the breakup, it is now in the past and it should stay there. You should be careful that you don’t bring up past arguments or incidents. They are not relevant. You need to discuss the current matter and not something that has already happened. This will only cause a breakdown of communication and lead to an argument and negative emotions.
Dont Accuse
Accusing the other parent of doing something you don’t like when you are trying to communicate is a sure-fire way to cause conflicts. The natural response to any accusation is to become defenisive and that is when accusations can also come back at you in retaliation. This is not healthy for anyone. Remember you are not in competition with your ex, this is about effective co-parenting.
This Isn’t About Other People
When communicating about your child, don’t bring up other people. It is not necessary to talk about your ex in laws or your exes new partner or your exes friend who you don’t really like. None of those people have anything to do with making decisions about your child. Communicating about your child is just about you, your ex and your child.
Be Aware Of Your Language
It is not appropriate to swear at, name call or berate your ex. Whilst it may help you to get your emotions out in the open, it is not going to help your relationship with the other parent and if your child hears you speaking like that to their parent, this will not set a good example at all.
Be Direct
Instead of talking around issues or trying to fit a request into a big conversation, make sure that you communicate knowing exactly what you want to say first. You should have a goal for an end result following your communication with your ex and this will help you to stay on topic so that you don’t end up getting distracted. Distractions in communication can lead to arguments and falling out.
Have an Effective Argument Prepared
Do you want to change your child’s surname? Change the child’s school? Move to another part of the country? These are big decisions that may cause conflict when you bring them up. That doesn’t mean that you should avoid discussing them though. Try to think about your reasons for wanting to make these changes and explain clearly to your ex why you think that they should agree to the request.
Agree to Compromise
Sometimes, you just can’t reach a unanimous decision even when you are engaging in amicable communcation. If you find that you still don’t agree entirely with your ex, sometimes, you just need to make a compromise. If you don’t agree to your exes proposal of moving away with the children, you could try to come up with a way in which you could make the move work. Perhaps you could have weekend contact with the childrwn and request half of holidays too. This would ensure that you can have quality time with the children and it would make long journeys more worthwhile. If your ex won’t agree to you moving away, you could offer to meet in the middle when arranging contact or you could take the children to your ex so that you don’t look as though you are trying to put an obstacle in the way of contact.
Prioritise Your Child
Throughout all communication with your ex, keep reminding yourself that this is about the child and what is in their best interest. Just because you don’t like something, would your child be better off if it happened. For example, a move to another town may mean that the other parent can get a better job so that they can provide better for the child or a move to a different school may mean that the child can study subjects that they are interested in.
Whilst these tips for amicable communication may not mean that you will have perfect and friendly communication every time you try to talk to your ex, it should help you to improve the communication that you already have. Improving your communication will help your children to have the best possible upbringing.
