Ending a relationship, especially when it has been a long one can be a difficult process for most people. Even if you are the one to end the relationship there are often very mixed emotions and this can lead to you feeling hurt or resentment towards your ex. It can be tempting to try to hurt them back, to cut the children out of their life or to have constant arguments, but this is not going to do anyone any favours. Whilst you don’t have to be best friends with your ex, and you don’t even have to get along in any other capacity, it is important that you try to be civil when it comes to your children. Communicating about your children is not just about you and your ex, but it is about your children, their happiness, wellbeing and future.
Why Should You Try To Be Civil?
Your children will be going through a tough time right now. Whether you are just separating, or if you are going through the court process to resolve a longer term issue, your children will be able to tell that things are not as they usually are. This can make them feel insecure and they will not know how they should behave around each parent in order to keep the other parent happy. If you are as civil as possible when communicating with the other parent, you will find that your children will feel more secure seeing that you and your ex can coparent with a united front.
Emotions
It is easy to let our emotions get the better of us when we are in this kind of situation. Separation can cause a cycle of emotional stages including anger, hurt, denial and grief but you will need to ensure that you address and deal with these emotions so that you can move past them and get over the separation. Once you have dealt with the emotions, you will find it easier to communicate with you ex about your children without arguing and bringing up past events.
If your children witness emotional outbursts egainst the other parent, they may think that this is a good way to communicate and it could affect their behaviour. At the very least, it won’t make them feel secure in the family unit.
Be The Example
Often, one parent is the aggressor in communication difficulties and if you are calm and trying to communicate rationally whilst your ex seems to be acting revengefully or with anger, you should resist the temptation to fight back. An amicable relationship is much more likely to form at some point down the line if you set a good example for communication. Acting maturely and thinking about your actions will ensure that you set a good example for communicating for both your children and your ex.
Mediation
One way in which you can start to communicate positively with your ex is by using mediation. It is not for everyone but if you are trying to communicate but struggling to reach a resolution, a mediator will be able to help you to develop the tools you need for effective communication. After a few mediation sessions, you and your ex will have come to some agreements and you will have both learned that sometimes you have to make compromises even when you don’t fully agree.
Rules For Communication
After you have attended mediation, you could come up with some rules for effective communication. If it leads to fewer arguments, agree to only communicate about important things via text message or email. This will give you time to collect your thoughts before you respond and the paper trail will ensure that there are no misunderstandings about what was discussed or when. You should also agree to only communicate when it comes to your chidren’s needs. Your new partner or your exes new partner for example shouldn’t be something that you communicate about because issues like this can only lead to further conflict. If you have any concerns about things that are not directly related to your children, you need to consider how important they are to talk about with your ex.
Make sure that you stick to any agreements that you make with your ex about communication so that you can continue to be civil to one another and develop a good parenting bond for your children’s sake.
