Making the transition from seeing your child daily when you were in a relationship with the other parent to only seeing your child a few days a week or month is difficult.  You may feel that your child might not remember you if they spend a lot of time apart from you or you may be worried about what the other parent may say about you to the child.  This concern can lead to the urge to compete against an ex partner in order to win favour with the child.  It is important that you are aware of this need to compete and that you control the urge to do so.  Not only is it bad for your relationship with your ex, but it doesn’t help the child either.

Why Do Parents Become Competitive?

When parents become competitve against one another, it is usually because of one of two reasons.  It can be a way to get back at an ex and so it is sometimes used as revenge for the blame that one parent places on the other for the breakup of the family unit.  The other reason is to try to make the child love one parent more than the other so that they feel that they have a stronger bond with the child than the one that exists between the child and the other parent.

You must remember that this behaviour is not healthy.  Trying to get a reaction out of your ex is sure to make your ex want to compete in retaliation.  You will end up in a constant battle for your child’s affection.  It is important to understnad that your child doesn’t have to love one parent more than the other.  It is possible for your child to love the both of you without you trying to buy their love.

How Might Parents Compete With One Another?

The main way in which a parent may try to compete with the other is by constantly buying gifts and exciting days out.  This constant giving if gifts is a common way to try to make themselves look more fun than the other parent, especially if the competing parent doesn’t spend much time with the child.  Another way that a parent might try to compete is by having a more relaxed parenting style than the other parent.  Allowing the child to eat unhealthy food instead of encouraging them to eat vegetables or letting the child stay up past their normal bed time are some examples of relaxed parenting.

The Effect That This Has On Your Child

In trying to make your ex look bad, this behaviour can inadvertantly end up having a negative effect on your child.  With your child trying to cope with their new life being split between two homes, this is already bound to be a difficult time for them.  Changing your behaviour towards them and relaxing your parenting style will cause further confusion for your child.

The way in which this confusion may manifest is that your child may end up misbehaving for the other parent in order to spend more time with you.  This won’t mean that you’re more loved, it will just mean that the child knows that they can get their own way with you.  Eventually, you will find it difficult to be a parent to your child as they will simply expect you to buy them lots of presents or to let them do as they please without consequence

How Should You Behave Instead?

The best way that you can be a good parent is by working with the other parent instead of in competition.  Try to build a positive relationship.  You don’t need to be friends, but when it comes to your child, you should show a united front.  This means discussing with your ex about what time your child goes to bed, what time mealtimes are.  Try to come up with a way of synchronising your parenting styles so that you can provide a routine and stability for your child.

Being a good parent won’t make your child love you any less and you will still be able to have fun days out and buy gifts if you wish, but make sure that you do this as a treat instead of doing “fun” things every time you meet up with your child.