If you have split from your partner, it’s quite normal that you will have bad feelings towards him or her.  Getting along won’t be easy, but when you have a child together, you’ve not really got a choice.  Either you try to communicate effectively or you find that problems develop and that’s how you end up in court trying to sort out contact with your children because you’re unable to agree.  But sometimes, in trying to talk about issues, parents find that communicating can lead to arguments.

You need to remember that no matter how badly you or your ex are dealing with the separation, your children will be feeling much worse.  Suddenly, the family that they’ve known is breaking up and they find themselves caught up in the middle of arguments.

This is a situation that is completely out of your child’s control and your focus must be on making sure that your child’s welbeing is a top priority.  Arguing with the other parent in front of your child will only cause your child to feel stressed and torn between the two of you.

Hiding Arguments

Good parenting calls for both parents to stick together, making joint decisions and being united in their parenting.  If you argue with your ex in front of your children, then this breaks down the united front that you should be trying to maintain.

This isn’t to say that you can’t have disagreements with your ex, and even if you can’t help but communicate argumentatively with your ex, there is no reason why your children should be caught up in the middle.  Having these kinds of heated discussions away from your children will ensure that they don’t have to witness the animosity.  It’s all part of making sure that your child has the stability and safety that they need.

The Effects That Parental Arguments Have On A Child

A lot of people have recollections of witnessing adults arguing in front of them when they were children.  If you think back to one of these times, you may remember feeling a range of emotions including feeling scared, sad and insecure.

Whilst it will not be your child’s fault that your relationship ended, often children do blame themselves for the end of their parents’ relationship.  What you need to do is reassure your child that you and their other parent can get on and that you will continue to communicate and coparent even though you are no longer together.  Although this may be difficult, this is a big part of parenting when you are separated.

Arguing Constructively

Arguments are sometimes unavoidable and can work out well if you approach them correctly.  This can be a time for you and your ex partner to communicate any concerns or worries and when you each have an equal chance to discuss your viewpoint about a situation, this can give you the ability to change your exes mind about something or can help you both to reach an agreement.

When you communicate with your ex, make sure that you have thought carefully about the way that you are going to talk about the subject and try to stay calm.  Think before you react to anything that your ex says and if things do become heated, remember that you can walk away and try to communicate another time.

One effective way of communicating without as large a chance of an argument is via text or email.  If you do this, then there is a ‘paper trail’ so to speak so that if there are any misunderstandings along the way, you can look back at what was typed.  This also avoids the temptation to have a shouting match which is just a very bad way to communicate.

Mediation

If you are still struggling to communicate but you and your ex still think that you’d like to settle your issues by talking to one another, you could try mediation.  This would involve attending a MIAM first so that you know what to expect at future meetings and then when you do meet with your partner to talk things through, there will be a professional with you who can help you to communicate effectively.

Mediation is not only a great way of settling any problems in your parenting relationship but it can also help you to improve your communication techniques so that in future you will be able to talk to one another without the help of a mediator.